I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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