There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
