Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
