i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
third nipple confirmed
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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