All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
