I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
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your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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