smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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