Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
