Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
