Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
