Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
