i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
