Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
