insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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