I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it wasn't lemon gatorade
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
