Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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