I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
