well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
