Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
