Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
