A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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