I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
