I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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