I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
