This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
