I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
