god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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