All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
