I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
