The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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