I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
