i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
