If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
