omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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