What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
