I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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