I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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