you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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