My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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