Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
3pm strippers are depressing
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
