hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
