i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
