im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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