$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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