My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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