I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
