the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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