we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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