took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
