I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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