2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
