...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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