Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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