I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
